the world i love.

I am a big believer in love and relationships. I love being able to have someone to care for and have someone care for me. 

My mother is not. While, yes, she is married and loves taking care of my Dad and me, she is probably one of the most independent people I’ve ever met. Which is nothing to be ashamed of, it’s a great quality. But it makes our views on love and relationships very different. 

I’ve been in approximately two long-term relationships in my life. Both beginning while I was still in high school. The first was when I was 16 years old and lasted almost two years. Jake was a great guy, I still have respect for him as a person and from time to time we check in with each other. It’s true, I dreamed of a future with him, but let’s be real, most girls who are in their first serious relationship do. But, something in me, even from the get go, knew this wasn’t “it.” I think he felt the same way, which is why our break-up wasn’t ugly and why to this day we still keep in touch. He’s a friend and always will be to some degree. 

My second relationship started at the beginning of my senior year of high school and lasted (on and off) for almost two and half years. I think this is where my mother started doubting my standards and taste in men. Which is completely justifiable in this relationship. Tyler was not a good boyfriend. He was constantly putting me down, didn’t respect me or my family and this was evident in his behavior towards me. Yet, I couldn’t see it. I had friends and family telling me what an awful relationship it was, and yet I held on. His constant putting me down and making me feel worthless led me to believe that I couldn’t have anyone else. I just needed to be grateful that I had someone who already “loved” me despite all of my “faults and issues.” Finally, after enough was enough I had enough strength to leave and never look back. 

I hate that I so foolishly stayed in such an unhealthy relationship for so long. But, I’m grateful for all I learned about what I want in a future relationship and the qualities I want in a future husband. Which is why, though I’ve been lonely and missed the companionship I’ve been single for a couple years. Not to say there weren’t people along the way who I wasn’t interested in and vice versa, but I was more alert and guarded. I also know people change so much from 20-25, and I’ve kept that at the forefront of my mind when also investing my time in someone. 

In my last post I talked about meeting Ryan and our, very, new relationship. I realize this is still the “honeymoon” phase and therefore it’s no surprise that I’m absolutely crazy about him. But, there’s something else that needs to be said. He lives 7 hours away and I would have never, ever considered this a potential possibility if I didn’t think that there was something there that would lead to something bigger and more beautiful.

When I was dating Tyler, we spent our freshman years of college at separate schools in separate states. I was in Tuscaloosa, he was in Knoxville — it’s a little over 6 hour drive from city to city. I had to beg him to call, Skype or any form of communication. This was after we had been together over a year. Also, while at school he cheated on me with a former best friend and her roommate in the same night. When we broke up I swore off long-distance relationships. Yes, I may have “talked” to some guys who were 3 hours away but I knew it wasn’t going anywhere. 

Before Ryan and I began dating he wouldn’t hesitate to text me all day and then even after all that he never fails to call me as soon as he gets off work. I can hear the eagerness in his voice when he talks to me and he’s always just as excited to get on Skype and talk to me. Not a bit of that eagerness or sweetness or incredible communication has changed. Yes, I know it’s still early in our relationship. But, the thing is, I know that won’t change with him. That’s the kind of person he is. Sincere and incredibly caring. 

I mentioned in my last post that when you know, you know and I know that Ryan is going to be in my future. I tried to explain this to my mom today and she was less than enthused. She tried to tell me that I’m immature and it’s “sad” that I’m thinking this way already, among other things. The old me, knowing that she was probably right, would’ve put up a fight. This time I just listened to her argument, said what I wanted to say and then walked out of the room.

I wasn’t mad. I was so hurt. I AM hurt. 

I know I’m still young, I know this is early on in the relationship but these feelings are different than any others I’ve harbored for someone before. Ryan is different than any other guy I’ve ever met before. Since Tyler I’ve prayed for the Lord to bring me someone, when the time was right, with all the qualities that I desired and a pure, gentle, kind heart. A heart that I see in my own dad. Someone who would challenge me to become a better person, someone I could confide anything in, someone to protect me, make me feel secure and strong. Someone to lift me up in my many moments of weakness, someone to praise me in moments of triumph. Someone who would accept my past and not let it change their views of me. Someone who I can call my best friend. 

Ryan is exactly that for me and I was astonished when I realized it. 

Before Ryan came along I was very content with being single and staying that way for a long period of time. “What’s the rush, I have time.” I wasn’t seeking love or a relationship, in fact at a wedding I went to a few months ago when I was asked, “Ok, you’re next, when’s it going to be?” I replied with not for a long time and I was fine with that. 

But, that’s the funny thing about us humans. We think we have all the control in the world when in fact we don’t. I may have a plan, but it’s nothing compared to what HIS plan is for me and I have to remember that. 

One song has been on my mind a lot since meeting Ryan and beginning our relationship, Dave Barnes’ “God Gave Me You.” Not a single day has passed since our friendship began that I haven’t thanked God for bringing him into my life, the timing was all His own, and I’ve been blessed to have a man with every quality I prayed for and so much more than I could’ve ever imagined. 

God gave me you for the ups and downs.

God gave me you for the days of doubt.

For when I think I’ve lost my way, 

There are no words here left it say, it’s true.

God gave me you.

I don’t expect my mother to be understanding or caring or happy about me being in a relationship, she never has. She’s different. She didn’t want to get married and have children until she was much older, that’s fine. But, that’s not me. I’m not saying I’m rushing off to elope or get married right away. But, I am saying that I’m beyond happy with the man in my life and he’s not going anywhere, and that she is going to have to accept. I’m not changing who I am, he would never ask that of me. I’m not giving up on my goals, he would never allow me to do that. I’m sharing my important goals with someone who I consider to be equally important. 

I’m not losing who I am as a person, Mom. I’m adding to it.

It’s officially a new year, which means new goals, new memories and new change. While I probably should be making a list of things I want to accomplish in this new year, I cannot help but sit back and reflect how very good 2011 was to me, even leading up to the very end of it. 

So, as I did last year, here is my top 10 list of 2011…

10. My grades…At the beginning of my fall semester I had to fight with the Associate Dean of the College of Mass Communications to allow me to take an additional 3 credit hours for a class I already completed, I just needed to pay for it. She was refusing to let me do so because my grades for the past year haven’t been “satisfactory” when taking a huge load of classes. After breaking down into furious tears exclaiming “you have no idea what was going on in my life,” she was going to give me one chance. Well I am proud to say I stuck it to her and ended the semester with: 5 ‘A’s ’ and 2 ‘B’s ‘.  

9. My professors…It’s been a while since I’ve had such a solid group of professors that I can say I got somewhat close to. I think the last college professor I had that meant anything to me was my Freedom of Expression professor, Ed Kimbrell, whom I still run into along the halls of Mass Comm. But, this year I was fortunate enough to have a handful of professors that I got to know fairly well and will continue a friendship with even after classes are over. First off, Tricia Farwell. I wasn’t looking forward to a seminar class on advertising at 8am, after all I’m in journalism, not advertising. But, she made waking up at an ungodly hour bearable and I truly enjoyed her class and talking to her and watching cat videos with her in the middle of my break. It was really nice knowing someone truly cared about you as a person rather than seeing you as someone filling a seat. Second, Robert Spires. I took Dr. Spires ‘Mass Communications and Socitey’ class because Global News and World Media was full and his sounded like the second most interesting class behind it. I was in for a huge treat and enjoyed engaging in interesting debates and discussions twice a week, even if it was just he and I doing the talking some days. I learned so much from them and will be forever grateful to see their smiling faces in the hallways and catch up and get life advice. 

8. Leon Alligood…I was going to include Leon in my last post but I’ve got too much to say about him to add to that already large post. Leon is one of the most kindhearted individuals I’ve ever met. He’s a brilliant writer and likes to highlight good points of everyones ability to write, rather than tear them down because the entire article wasn’t good. I loved reading material he wrote, which often left me in tears. I was devastated knowing that my Feature Writing class with him was the last class I’d ever have with him, though I knew I wouldn’t hesitate to stop in for a visit or “advising.” He’s only the second professor whose ever made me cry on the last day of class knowing I couldn’t soak up anymore of his wisdom. When I was approached by the Editor-in-Chief of Sidelines to come be their News Editor, I was not only thrilled for the opportunity but I also know that Leon is the faculty advisor and I’ll still have him there “coaching” me along the way making me a better writer. I wish I could tell you all the amazing things this man has accomplished in a quick post, but for anyone who goes to MTSU to pursue journalism…please take Leon Alligood for any and every class he offers. You will learn so much more than what you will ever pay for a class. 

7. KOL…This summer Lauren convinced me to get off my butt and go to Atlanta for a Kings of Leon show. I am so grateful I did this. Because of two reasons. 1) I had an incredible night with awesome friends in a beautiful city listening to one of my favorite bands. 2) This was their last show in the US because a few days later the whole fiasco in Dallas happened and they suspended their US tour. So, thanks Lo! You da best! 

6. Bonnaroo X…Once again, Lo and I braved the weather and hightailed it to Manchester, TN for a weekend full of sun, music, booze and fun. Went to a lot of random shows this year, which all turned out to be amazing. But, then again, when does Roo ever disappoint? By far though, the best show of the weekend, Mumford & Sons. I was literally moved to tears the entire set. It was absolute perfection. It seemed like the weather cooled down, the sun was setting, I had a cold beer in my hand…it was an incredibly moving experience. I cannot wait to see what Bonnaroo has up its sleeve this year!

5. Sidelines…At the beginning of my Christmas break, I received an e-mail from the Editor-in-Chief at our school paper, Sidelines, asking if I were interested in an editorial position. UM YES!! I met with Amanda and they offered me the position of News Editor because they were impressed with the stuff I had written for them in the past, as well as the promise and talent I showed in Feature Writing which I had with her and a couple other Sidelines staff/editors. While my position there hasn’t actually begun, just being given the opportunity means so much to me and I cannot wait to see what it has in store for me this semester. 

4. CMT Radio Networks…I applied for a fall internship with CMT (Country Music Television) and was fairly certain I wasn’t going to get it. Then one day on my way to Tuscaloosa I got a call from Jean Williams, the director, of CMT Radio Networks saying she wanted to set up a phone interview. I thought the interview went awful but a month later I got the phone call to find out I got the internship. I cannot say enough amazing things about the time I spent there, the things I learned, the people I met, and opportunities given were abundant. While I’m not a broadcast major it was definitely interesting to learn that side of things. I’m so grateful for the things I was able to take away from there and what a great experience it’ll be for my future. 

3. Sleepovers with Becca…I know last year I posted about Becca, and I’m doing it again this year because she’s been my rock. I would not have survived school and life and the drama it sometimes brings without her. Knowing I can usually call her up on a whim and say “hey, is it cool if I crash there?” and she’s always there with open arms is such a heartwarming feeling. I’m grateful for all my besties but the fact that I have her here to keep me sane and vent to and laugh and cry and drink with. I can never say thank you enough. I just hope she knows how much I love her. 

2. ITALIA…I also posted about this in last years list. But now I can reflect on the time spent there. First of all, I want to say that I am so thankful to have shared this experience with my bestie, Stephanie. It wouldn’t have been the same without her. With that said. This is truly the most incredible experience I’ve ever had in my life. The things I saw, touched, tasted over a span of 3.5 weeks are enough to dwell on and talk about for a lifetime. I drank amazing wine. I ate amazing food. Had my breathe taken away on a daily basis at the beautiful landscape and architecture that is so abundant all over Italy. It’s truly impossible not to find beauty in every little thing you lay your eyes on…including the men. I truly hope I get to travel to Italy again because I have so many fond memories there and want to make more.  

1. Ryan Beard…For the past two years (almost) I’ve been single and writing about how bitter I am about love and relationships, then sounding like a total hypocrite whining about how lonely I am and jealous of others who are in love. My Tuscaloosa bestie, Rachel, always joked about getting me to join her family and said that her cousin, Ryan, and I would actually be a good match. We tried to meet during a couple game weekends this past year and it never worked out. I was already infatuated with Ryan after creeping on his Facebook, yes, I creeped. When things never worked out I felt it was because he never really had any intentions of meeting me so I put it to rest. Well, we continued tweeting each other, began texting, then before I knew it we were have 3 hour phone conversations and 8 hours Skype chats. At the end of that 8 hour conversation I knew. Ryan is someone I never want to lose. We made plans to see each other over New Years Eve and finally on Dec. 30th I picked up him from the airport. I was so beyond blissfully happy for the next few days having Ryan by my side. It truly solidified what I felt before I even “met” him. When you know, you know. The thought is just a mind boggling as it sounds and I always wanted to know that feeling that my mom had described, now I do. I could gush on for pages about how happy and beautiful he makes me feel, or how he makes me laugh or how when anything happens, funny, random, sad or frustrating, he’s the first person I want to run to and tell. He’s truly become my best friend. In a short span of over a month, I’ve truly found the best friend of my life and couldn’t be more shocked and surprised at the timing. Love truly does find you when and where you least expect it. We may have a 7 hour obstacle in our way but none of it bothers us, especially me, after I swore off long distance relationships because of one bad one. God truly works in funny and mysterious ways to show us that we’re capable of handling things we never thought we’d want to handle again. 

As most of the world knows about the sad passing of former Apple CEO and innovative genius, Steve Jobs. An issue surrounding his death was brought to my attention this morning via Twitter. 

Here is the link regarding the Westboro Baptist Church’s plans to protest Jobs’ funeral: http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/headlines/2011/10/westboro-church-uses-iphone-to-announce-steve-jobs-funeral-protest/

It makes me beyond sick and ashamed to associate myself with these so-called Christians. I was baptized in a Baptist church when I was 13 or 14 and while I’ve struggled with my faith in the past and even to this day, I still go to Him in times of need.

Yet I have a hard time accepting or believing that these monstrous evil people will be going to heaven one day. But John 3:16 says, “For God so loved that world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” So, by “default” (for lack of a better term) because these people believe in God and have accepted Jesus Christ into their lives these people should be allowed into heaven. I’d love to think that God sees what these people are doing and realizes that these people aren’t abiding by any of His laws. 

Romans 13:8 says, “Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.” 

I’d like to think that while yes people deserve second chances, God doesn’t just accept their “acceptance” of Christ into their hearts as fulfilling the necessities to be a Christian and go to heaven. But I don’t know, I don’t know how this works. Nor am I meant to. 

But it’s just really disheartening to see these people — who use Jobs’ technology — bash a man who has done nothing but good and brilliant things for people. A man who died far before his time from a horrible disease needs to be celebrated and regardless of his religious affiliation I know he’ll be in heaven. Because I like to believe that my God has no problem with letting truly good-hearted people into heaven. No matter their race, sexual orientation, gender, religious beliefs or political views. 

We are God’s children, no matter what you call Him he’ll answer in however you need him. 

gred-forge-weasley:

betababe92:

accio-ronaldw:

riskedbusiness:

Very well said!

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